Stuff Black People Like

You know I had to do it.

#1. Black People
Black people like black people. Mostly because we actually do, other times because we have to. Most of the time it's because we want to like black people, and since black people want to like black people, we generally meet black people who want to like us. The liking is mutual and self-replicating. This is especially the case whenever we are in areas that are predominantly white. We immediately find some other black people to like and we go and like each other. When we're mostly around black people, then we tend to only like certain black people. Some people like to talk about black love, but in fact, black love is at a premium. Black like is all over the place. So much so that even white people like black people.

#2. Freedom
Black people like freedom. We're never really sure if we have it or if we have freedom-lite, you know, that freedom that they sell down at the corner store. We have plenty of it, but it always seems to be that discount freedom that breaks when you really need it. It's plain wrap freedom, not the expensive good kind like they sell at Macy's. Still, we love the freedom that we have, and we tend to be a bit showy with it. Plus we always invent new kinds of freedom. Problem is, not everybody digs black freedom, like the freedom to interrupt anything any actor in any movie is saying, or the freedom to tell anybody anything at anytime. But that won't stop us from really, really liking freedom. Do yourself a favor and try not to get between us and freedom.

#3. Mama
I'll always love my mama, she's my favorite girl - the onliest one. Black people like mama, and also momma, and moms. We like big mama, skinny mama, foine mama and bad mama jamma. But we only like our mama, we don't like your mama. In fact, your mama is so old she pees rust and poots dust. OK now I dare you to say something about my mama. 

#4. Education
Ask any black man woman or child what's the solution to the problem and sit down and prepare yourself for a lecture on the benefits of education. It all started when mama, yeah mama, walked five miles to and from school in the snow with no shoes, uphill both ways. And before that with Carter G. Woodson. Black people love education so much that we've decided that every American ought to wake up with night sweats over a dream that they forgot to study for the test, and that test is Black History Month. Education is that thing we know that can be denied but once achieved can never be stolen. Sure it would be nice just to have enough to buy, but we are Saturday's child, we have to learn for a living.

#5. Hair Preparations
It could be Glover's Mange or Creme of Nature, but it's certainly not Prell or Head and Shoulders. There is no reason at any time for any black person of any stripe not to have a very specific regimen for hair care. That goes double for those who have to travel. We make doubly sure that we bring the right dose and boy are we persnickety about it.  If somebody were to document all of the stories about curling irons, #1 clipper guards, barbershops & beauty salons, jheri curls, doo rags, pressed hair vs natural, dreads vs braids and other aspects of black hair preparation, it would strain the capacity of Google.

#6. Cell Phones
I don't know if you've noticed, but ever since cell phones were invented, there has been no color line. Black people got them as soon as they became available. We didn't get cable TV when it first came out and we didn't get the internet right away. We also didn't get invited to Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, but we actually didn't miss it much. But when it came to a cell phones, black people would not put up with being left behind on that score. So we made it known, with our awesome consumer clout in these United States, that we would not be ignored. We even got a hiphop phone company just for texting with flavor. Unfortunately for Kwame Kilpatrick... ahh but that's another story.  What's your ringtone?

#7. Telling White People Off
One of the most fun thing about being black is that white people listen to you, especially when you get all up in their grill. They act like they hate it and they get all huffy about it, but in the end they're always grateful for the experience. White people tend to forget who they are and what they're doing on this planet. That's why they watch foreign films. They know that they live two inches off the ground, and of course they often forget whether or not they are living in reality. They ask themselves stupid questions like, how do I know everything I'm experiencing is not an illusion and maybe when I'm asleep, that's reality. That's why white people made The Matrix. And who did they turn to in The Matrix? A black man, of course. Morpheus. White people need black people to ground them in reality, so the next time you feel like slapping the taste out of some white person's mouth for doing something spacey, go ahead and give them a neck shaking verbal beatdown. They'll act offended, but deep down they're really glad you did it. They call it an intervention, and we really like to give them.

#8. Church
Black people legendarily sin on Saturday night and make up for it on Sunday morning, which stretches into Sunday afternoon half the time. Don't forget Bible Study on Wednesday night. Now I was originally motivated to say that black people love Jesus, and a lot of us do, but not as much as we love Church. You and I both know there's a lot of black people in Church who don't really love Jesus as much as they say they do, but I suppose that's pretty much universal. Black people church. Which is to say we have turned it into a verb. Next to education, church will get you right. It is more than a ritual, it is a way of life, you've got worship, praise, singing, dancing, dressing up, eating, socializing of all sorts, gossip, showing off, redemption, celebration. There isn't much that doesn't go on in Church. Yes even that.

#9. Loose Clothing
Some people think that drooping pants is a new trend among young black teens. In fact, it is a tradition dating ancient Egypt, or should I say Kemet. The Man won't let you know but recently archaeologists found some hieroglyphs showing Pharaoh Ramses Extra II sagging big time. Of course our Arab brothers in North Africa still wear the flowing robes today and we are gradually making the full circle complete as our white t-shirts get longer and longer.

#10. Basketball
I know. I know. I know. We like track and field and we like baseball, and we really like football. We like tennis and golf now, but maybe that's just an infatuation. But basketball? That borders on something unhealthy. We like the sound of the ball on a hardwood floor and the echo off the cinderblock walls of the gym. We like the squeak of the sneakers on a pivot foot at the high post. We like sounds and the energy and the fact that in the blink of an eye you can go from being on offense to being on defense. We like the drama of the final seconds of possession and the elbows down in the paint. We like the swish of the net and the metallic clank of the spring loaded rim snapping back after a monster dunk. We like the improbable little men, the stylish guards and the miraculous ball control. We like the unstoppable big man charging the lane and snatching rebounds with authority. Ahh. you get the picture. What's not to like?

#11 Dap
Dap is a fudamental element of black greeting and communication. It can be as subtle as a split-second head bob between strangers crossing paths in a city street. It can be as complicated as a hand game between blood sisters. It can be as sassy as a neck working snap from a man in tight jeans on  Greenwich Village or as decorous as a triple cheek kiss at the after party at a Paris couture event. It could be a father and son rubbing foreheads at bedtime or fraternity sisters making triangles with their fingers. I can be as sinister as a gang sign or as welcoming as warm embrace. Every American baby learns to high five before it can speak. Dap says acknowledge me and a language of gesture that is a black gift to the world, we like that everybody likes dap.

#12 Shine
There is nothing quite so annoying to black people as a drab existence. So when we get a chance to show off, there ain't no half stepping. We could set Warren Buffet back on his heels trying to calculate the value of all the chrome rims adorning black people's automobiles from coast to coast. Black people have reinvented jewelry, it's not just glitter, it's bling. But bling is too narrow to describe that element of flashiness that's why I say shine. It's about a megawatt smile, a showtime attitude, and acheiving just right mix of upper crust sophistication and gutbucket style. Like all the greatest inimitable styles, it's hard to describe shine but you know it when you see it and you know it had to come from black people.

#13 Hot Sauce
Obviously because most of us are not from New Haven, Connecticut, if you are black you have got to have some element of spice in your diet.  Tobasco, Rooster, Red Hot. I could go on. And we like not only our own native hot, we like habanero hot, and kung-pao hot, and  Indian curry hot too. It could be in a Jamaican patty or a Nigerian jerk goat head. It could be on french fries or on top of the already hot salsa in our heuvos rancheros. Black people like all kinds of hot, and that's hot. (You go hottie!)

#14 Heads
Now this may seem strange to outsiders, but black people have a great deal of admiration for a well-shaped black male head.  Now for a time there, black men were somewhat undercover of the Afro and that was cool for a time, but the basic aesthetic of the black skull could not long be denied. We chuckle when those Minoxadil commercials come on because we know the very essence of masculinity is the shaved black man's head. Except for Christopher Darden. He's got a pack of hotdogs crawling up the back of his neck and nobody respects that. From the time we And black women can work it too. Sure you've got your Annie Lennox and Sinead O'Connor gave it a shot, but they don't hold a candle to Julianne Malveaux.

#15 Swap Meets
Black people can make a dollar out of 15 cents at the swap meet. Sure white people have garage sales and estate auctions, but there's something about an acre of tables with cheap stuff that makes me want to get my shop on.

#16 Center Stage
Black people like attention. Because when we have something to say, man it's just not sufficient to employ the King's English. It could be the pulpit or the end zone. It could be the dance floor or the waiting room at the doctors office. You just never know when a black person feels that they have been quiet for too long. But the moment that decision is made, well there's just no stopping us.

#17 Dancing
You will notice that I say black people like dancing, not Dance. Dance is something you observe from the balcony, or seventh row center if you got it like that. Dancing, is something you experience more fully. It is the cure for the body-mind duality those silly Greeks tripped on. Contrary to popular opinion, black people can't all dance, but that incompetence stops very few of us. In fact, if you go to any club in which you are likely to find a floor full of dancing black people, it wouldn't take you much time to see that half of us would not last a minute if the dance floor wasn't packed and people could actually see what we're doing. Be that as it may, black dance is generally very simple and repetitive. You need only practice it at the club once a week, and after a month, you're as good as you ever need to be. That goes for the Electric Slide and all of its variants. What white people don't seem to realize about this simplicity is that there is a time and a place for everything under the sun, and there is only one place for the Cabbage Patch and that is 1989. The time and the place for the Chicken Dance is an eternity in Black Hell.

#18 Bass
I'm not talking about the fish here pardner. I'm talking about bottom, boom, the low end. And if you catch my double entendre then you know that there's something about booty bass that's the bomb. My favorite book by Toni Morrison is Sula, and the paradise of that book is called The Bottom, the analogy was not lost on me because black people find, in the absence of the privileges of society ways and means to celebrate the simple. There is nothing more simple and fundamental than the notes way below the treble clef. I'm talking about the groove, the bassline, the fundamental foundation of all music. It is the great contrast between the melody and the subharmonics that allow us to feel the music in totality. but a funky bass rhythm is its own reward. And ever since Nile Rodgers gave us Good Times, we've extended the break into its own arena. We dub the bass, we slap the bass, we attempt to personfiy the bass. And it's not just now, but then too. All you had to hear was Paul Robeson start off with 'Go Down Moses' and it was over. With nary an instrument the stage was set, deep deep down in the basement of the soul is the bass. The earthshaking primal force of all that stirs the emotions, bass will always be in place.

#19 Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton is famously known for being the first black president. We cut him some slack because he was trying to be the man, but The Man wouldn't let him be The Man. Now what kind of deal is that? A familiar deal as far as black people are concerned. Bill Clinton could shoot the gift, and you know wherever he went, the first thing out of his mouth was 'Where all the white women at?' But why hold that against him? Bill came from humble origins and people never let him forget so when it was time for him to have his office, he put it in Harlem. How could you not love that?

#20 Tyler Perry
If you don't know, now you know. And if you still don't know, don't ask because nobody's gonna tell you. OK one small hint. Movies about black people (who like black people).

#21 Radicals
Having been part of the outsiders going on three or four centuries in the New World, black people have had few opportunities to get the real scoop on what's really going on in the minds of the powers that be. But we have a pretty good idea that one thing that's going on is that those powers don't mind that we remain outsiders. So every couple or three decades, black people fall in love with some order of radical who demands that change be made. Sometimes they are serious radicals, like Marcus Garvey and Malcolm X, sometimes they are dime store wannabe radicals like Tupac and Al Sharpton. But black people are often disposed to like things that stick it to The Man despite the fact that we all understand no revolution is afoot. So there will always be a show of support, with emphasis on the word 'show', when a radical pokes his head above the radar. The point is that black people don't mind being suggested as the a massive force to be reckoned with - anybody who says that will get our rhetorical backing if not our blood, sweat and tears. As often as not, the radicals only get our money, and then we wake up.

#22 Horoscopes
Libra and my name is Charles
Now I like a woman that's quiet
A woman who carries herself like Miss Universe
A woman who would take me in her arms
And she would say, "Charles, yeah"
And if you fit that description
This is for you especially

Mmm take my hand
Come with me, baby, to Love Land
Let me show you how sweet it could be
Sharing loving with me, I want you to

Float, float on (Girl, yes)
Float on, float on (With Charles)
Float, float, float on (Ooh, yeah)
Float on, float on

(need I say more?)

#23 Africa
We like the Africa of legend. The Africa of possibility. The Africa lost and never recovered. The ancient, the modern, the rust colored dirt, the mystery of the interior, the history of its coasts, the long suffering motherland asking why we don't call. Africa is our talisman and the liberator of all thoughts of pride and hidden memory. It is our magic Mirror of Erised reflecting to us whatever it is we want to see. We defend mother Africa without really knowing our cousins, and in fact get real American upon hearing some African thoughts about women, but the romance never dies. One of these days, somebody is going to make a mint building 'Africaland'. It will probably be Robert Johnson, the CEO of BET. That will be essentially, the end of Africa. We like the myth and the majesty of the place and the people but we are constantly frustrated by the editorial vapidity of National Geographic. It ain't just animals, plants and geography. But let me chill.

#24 Poetry
There is something about black people that simply we cannot resist a rhymed couplet. Perhaps it is a deep longing for the rhythms of our lost native tongues that forces us to twist and turn English into something it isn't by itself but miraculously becomes when we work it. The urge to turn even the simplest explanation into a syncopated soliloquy is almost irresistible. Of course it doesn't always approach art and we often suffer from it. How many times have we been seduced by the some line Jessie Jackson and wake up the next morning asking what we were thinking. How many times have we let that Ice Cube line slip above audibility in mixed company? Ahh but when it works, there is nothing like the grandiloquent heights we can reach.

#25 Brooklyn
When did Brooklyn become 'the planet'? Well it was long after Jackie Robinson had gone, but there's something about Brooklyn that black people love in deep and mysterious ways that had been a long time coming. Sure there's Harlem's Sugar Hill and there's 125th & Lenox, but the magic of Brooklyn goes for miles and miles. Brooklyn has every flavor, ethnicity and class of black people, which is one reason it became 'the planet'. There are affluent American blacks in Park Slope, there are argumentative Hatian Blacks in Prospect Heights, there are rowdy Jamaican blacks in Bed Stuy, and all sorts in between. Everybody shows up to the annual Caribbean Parade on Eastern Parkway and it is a festival that puts just about every other to shame. If you haven't experienced it, you really have been watching too much television.

#26 Hamburger Stands
Every ghetto, every 'hood, every blackified 'burb in America must have it's hamburger stand, and you are bound to find black people there enjoying some grease. We know about apple pie and hot dogs, but I'm sorry, it's got to be a hamburger to get black people really interested. Bacon, chili, cheese, egg if you can, a little bit of lettuce and one slice of tomato thank you. Ketchup, mustard - hot mustard if you got it. Pickles onions and hold the mayo. Now that's eatin'. Also give me a side order of crispy fries, not crinkle cut fat fluffy fries, skinny ones with Lawry's Seasoning Salt on it. And a suicide. Orange soda mixed in with Rootbeer. Now you're talking. Turn on the radio, call out to your buddy across the street. Have a smoke, check out the action. It's a fine way to spend a sunny afternoon.

#27 Pork / No Pork
Black people have a love/hate relationship with pork. It started off as a hate relationship because none of us wanted to eat them parts of a pig that Massa left us. But we figured out a way to turn that sow's ear into a silk purse, and no I don't mean head cheese. And by the time we could afford to go whole hog, well Oh Happy Day. I mean BBQ spareribs, smoked bacon, honey ham... I'm starting to drool right here. So the love affair went pretty much uninterrupted for 200 years until black people started turning Muslim. And now a great number of us refer to it as 'the swine'. Of course there are healthy ways of eating pork but we tend to like the traditional stuff too - hogmaws, pigs knuckles and chitlins, although not many of us go for tripe. Mmmm fatback! And oh by the way, we never call it 'the other white meat'. If you happen to know dude, you just tell him to chill on that advertising campaign. He's not doing the industry any favors.

--

I have not, by a longshot exhausted the possibilities here, but I wanted to get this piece out today. And of course there are many more paragraphs I could have exhausted on each of the above 27, but I wanted to share the meme in a spirit of fun.

MORE!

Continuing on.. (and remeber these are not ranked)

#28 All You Can Eat Buffets
There are certain things that black people like so much that it's embarrassing. You take a likable thing and then you know a particular black person that just acts a fool, and then when you come to think about it, you can remember acting a fool your damned self. What can I say? One of the great miracles of the post Jim Crow era is the all-you-can-eat Asian buffet. Not just Chinese food, but all the Chinese food you can eat, plus catfish and good macaroni salad. It's on.  The one in my old neighborhood is packed, every weekend from sunup to sun down. The only problem with these places is that black people take that same attitude to every function, like your graduation party or wedding reception. And then they act like we're never going to run out of crab legs or drumettes.  Then they start complaining, like they paid for it or something. It's going to be the ruin of us.

#29 The Club
It doesn't matter what kind of club it is, as long as black people can get in, we're happy. You know that old Groucho Marx joke about not respecting any club that would have him as a member? Does Not Apply. Black people will wait in line for twenty minutes, subject themselves to a search, complain about the price of drinks, complain about the crowd, diss people's hair, style of dress, diction, method of dancing, & brand of cologne, complain about the DJ skills, the general quality of the opposite sex and the people they came with, but still go back week after week. There are about 50 books that need to be written about the subject as well as a psychological research organization funded by the World Bank.

#30 Michael Jackson
We don't like Michael Jackson so much as we like the idea of Michael Jackson. But then we come around to the fact that we like Michael Jackson. Why? Because Michael Jackson is the last innocent black man on earth. That's only because nobody can find out where Urkel disappeared to. Yeah yeah, but we know he's hiding. Even before Thriller was Off the Wall. And before that was The Wiz. I don't have to tell you that when he started easing on down the road, we were in rapture. The idea of Michael Jackson is that we could all be innocent and cool at the same time, and he will always represent that somewhere deep in black people's hearts, no matter how he ends up.

#31 Picnics
Somewhere, not far back in your memory is that picnic. You know the one. Where you and all your friends were at the park and there was fried chicken and a football game on the grass. Where little kids were running around blowing bubbles, or shooting water pistols and screaming, where you were stretched out on your second best blanket from off your bed and you chilled with your sunglasses on - until the water balloon fight started. I have to say right here and now that the greatest black folks picnics are at Belle Isle Park. Sorry, but that's a fact.

#32 Family Reunions
There is nothing so black people as a family reunion where all your cousins and family take over the local Radisson. You already know who you can't wait to see. You already know who is going to get on your last nerve. Auntie Jane has been pestering you for the money for six months now and you didn't realize how fast time flew by before it's time to get out there. Big mama's looking healthy but a touch slower since the last time you saw her. Crazy uncle Jimmy is acting a fool again. But it's so good to see everybody, and look at those cute babies. Mercy. You always leave your family reunion wondering why black people can't get together like this on a national scale, and then you remember the cousins who didn't show up and thank God for that. Family is quite good enough, thank you.

#33 Car Wash
You may have guessed by now that the last three entries are all about that Will Smith song, Summertime. Yeah well he got that right. The greatest car wash in America is the Crenshaw Car Wash in Los Angeles, the car capital of the world. Now I know Detroit comes in a close second because of all the brothers who opened up their own little car wash that does one car at a time, but really. The car wash is a social tradition like getting your do did, and there are few things that give black people the satisfaction as waiting for that Mexican dude to spin his towel in the air indicating that he's done polishing your rims, tip please. It is money happily spent as you turn to see that everyone sees, yeah that cool whip is me.

#34 Funerals
I knew this all along, but now I'm old enough to feel it - that strange attraction we have to funerals. We all have the funeral dress or suit, and the dark sunglasses. How many times have black people in their youth thought about how many cars would be in our very own funeral procession? I guess just about every time on a Sunday morning we have to stop in traffic as the motorcycle cops wave one by and we just sit there getting late for Church. Then of course at the wake we just have to see who is here that we don't know but suspect. Like who is that woman and how did she know Uncle Bert? The art of making our evil aunt seem kinder in death than she was in life is the great skill we long to see employed by the officiant, and we usually get it, although sometimes they just pick the wrong picture to put on the program. The funeral directors are still some of the last organic Talented Tenth businesses still in the old 'hood. Me? I definitely want a New Orleans style funeral, oxcart, second line and parasols, and you had better party when I'm gone.

#35 Spades & Dominoes
No get together is right without some smoking, drinking, cursing and gaming. And while the young folks think gaming means XBox and Playstation, black people ain't all young. That means slammin' bones and running Bostons. People who ordinarily look meek and mild somehow get transformed when they start playing these two traditional games loved, loved, loved by black people all over. The foldup metal table with the brown pleather top is dragged out of the closet and a foursome is seated. The glasses of Mount Gay are handy and the business gets going, but never without comments from the peanut gallery. It's just as much fun, well almost, to talk smack when you're not a player as when you are seated. It's a tradition that will be with us until Kingdom come.

#36 Al Green
I happen to believe that of all the singers we've known over the latter half of the 20th Century, there are few that have been responsible for more black babies being born than Al Green. Something about black men and women becomes unhinged when slow dancing to Al Green. Or at least I can say with confidence that smooth move never failed for me. The great thing about Al is that he never fell off in his short, and therefore perfect career. The man understood. Simple and plain.

#37 Denzel
Black people love Denzel Washington. Always did and always will. Unlike so many others in the business of entertainment, DW has always kept his game on and his head up. You can always argue about which movie he did was better, but you can't argue that he ever was an embarrassment, which is one of the things that black people hate. I could go on about Denzel, but uh.. real black men don't.

#38 Kool
Being of Black American Prince extract, Shabby Gentility Division, I am quick to notice others of my krewe. Think 'Carlton Banks'. Once I met such a gentleman at (the notorious) TGIFridays in Marina Del Rey who had found the ultimate secret to success. He was the manager for the marketing of Kool cigarettes. All the billboards with the Kool models? That was him. Kool Jazz Festival? That was him. He was single-handedly responsible for 17.3% of black culture. He even had a pet penguin.

Comments

[Michael Fisher]

I can't really argue with this one...

[E Embry]

All of this is hilarious. I feel "not Black" sometimes because i don't like Tyler Perry and was raised in and still attend an integrated, non-Christian church. But I have the other categories to back me up :-)

[E.C.]

I agree with about 60% of your list. Your #24, Poetry, of course, would be much, much higher on my list--at least in the top five. Also in my list's top five would be something that had to do with Black Sexuality. Black on Black sex, especially when both participants have superior rhythm, well-functioning hips, and well-equipped bodies just might be the finest bodily pleasure available to the human species. Additionally, my list would give a big shout out to African American Rhetoric. The African American rhetorical tradition is one of our forebears' greatest legacies and our greatest inheritances. Finally, your #2, Freedom, would be #1 on my list. However, my description of "freedom" would be something similar to one's proportion of discretionary time as it is described in Robert Goodin et al's forthcoming Discretionary Time: A New Measure of Freedom.

[Beth]

This is hilarious!

Okay, I admit it--I had to look up Tyler Perry. In my defense, I don't watch teevee except on rare occasion, and I can't stand going to the movies. Because...

White people tend to forget who they are and what they're doing on this planet. That's why they watch foreign films.

BWAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, I do watch foreign films. And...

They ask themselves stupid questions like, how do I know everything I'm experiencing is not an illusion and maybe when I'm asleep, that's reality. That's why white people made The Matrix.

SO true! God, do I feel like a cliche!

So tell me, do you ever watch movies and see white people acting white and think, can you imagine a brother acting like that? One of my favorite movies ever is "Get On the Bus." The first time I saw it I had a good buzz going and I about choked to death laughing when I thought about a bus full of goofy white dudes doing that roll call rap.

Confession time again: I didn't know what "dap" was. I've also never even noticed hamburger stands, even in urban Alabama. We've got barbecue stands, though--mmmmmmm.

Now I'll just STFU because I don't want an intervention. ;)

[Cobb]

Yeah after a point it didn't make sense to rank them so only the first few were consciously put up top. However I do believe that black people like black people more than they like freedom. Half the crap I get into with the usual suspects is because of that particular predicament. Freedom that implies freedom from black people is problematic. But we certainly like Africa more than Swap Meets and Brooklyn more than Hot Sauce.

I didn't really want to go there with black sex. I started to allude to it in Church and in Bass but I decided to let that go. I was also going to put Weed up there too, but I didn't want to start no sh*t. Essentially I didn't want to be the one to first suggest black people like sinful things, even though I know it's true.

[Cobb]

Beth,

I could probably put together a top ten 'stupid white people' movie list, starting with just about everything starring Ben Stiller, especially Zoolander. There is no way on earth you could ever, ever get any black man to play that role. Not even RuPaul.

But I think that one of the all-time classics would have to be 'The Truth About Cats and Dogs', and then right behind that would be 'Grand Canyon' - although to be fair I was a poet at the time and that movie just angered me to no end.

Interesting subject - I mean because there are stupid white people movies that are very excellent even though they are purposefully made to be about stupid white people. Fargo or Raising Arizona would be good examples. And then there are stupid white people movies that are farces that simply don't work from any black perspective and yet remain iconic. I think the perfect example of that would be 'The Big Lebowski'. It is my considered opinion that there is nothing remotely cool about 'The Big Lebowski'. And speaking of bowling movies, the same thing applies to 'Kingpin' although I happened to think that 'Mystery Men' was actually funny enough to make up for its goofiness.

Then of course there's the category of particularly unnerving movies that are mostly funny or probably would be more funny if they didn't have a stupid black character. Notable among these would be 'Me Myself and Irene', the still-funny yet somewhat flawed 'Galaxy Quest' and classically every one of the 'Police Academy' movies.

[dr_snacks]

Who was the stupid black character in Galaxy Quest?! The navigator?

And I never knew hamburger stands existed until I read this post. In fact, I won't believe it 'till I see it (because so far I can't even fathom how they'd even work).

[Cobb]

It's possible that hamburger stands are a West Coast phenomenon. Consider Johnnie's Pastrami, an LA classic. We have at least a hundred burger & taco stands here in LA. In Brooklyn, now that I think of it, the analog is like Detroit Chicken, or any of your standard bulletproof chinese fast food joints. No wait. White Castle. In the South... I can't remember anything in Atlanta, but culturally it's sorta like Waffle House. In Texas more like Whattaburger, but your average Whattaburger and Waffle House are generally more modern than an LA hamburger or taco stand.

[Jane]

Yes, Brooklyn is the planet.

[Beth]

just about everything starring Ben Stiller, especially Zoolander. There is no way on earth you could ever, ever get any black man to play that role. Not even RuPaul.

HA! I think Ben Stiller (and yes, especially that POS Zoolander--GAH!) is awful. Heinous. Actually, I know exactly the kind of stupid white people movie you're talking about, too--although again, I don't care for regular movies, so I'm automatically going to criticize most. Those flaky sensitive yuppie cable-knit sweater and comfortable shoes people movies. Nails. On. A. Chalkboard. Who are these people??

I am dying, though, about the Big Lebowski. That and the Blues Brothers are definitely my two favorites. Walter Sobchek? Jake & Elwood? My God, they are magnificent. Iconic.

Never saw Police Academy (none of them, believe it or not!) or Galaxy Quest. Like I said, though--I'm that foreign movie cliche. Hollywood blockbuster producers can kiss my butt. ;-P

Okay, I got one for you, something stupid that you'd *only* ever see on a white person. You know those black "W the President" bumper stickers? (Yeah, people still proudly sport 'em on their cars here!) Today I saw some dipsh*t in the prototypical soccer mom SUV with a W sticker, and instead of "The President" under the W, it said "WINE." BAHAHAHAHA!!! I laughed so hard I cried! "Hi, I'm so upper-middle class sophisticated, and I like wine!" WTF?!

[Cobb]

That's hard. On the one hand there haven't been many places in society I've been where I think black people have never been, and I've been a few places. There are places where black folks are exceedingly rare - but it's not a black white thing. For example, I've never seen any blackfolks wearing gear from the Syndey Olympic games. I like to brag about the fact that I was there, and yeah there were other American blacks there too (aside from the teams and coaches). So there's that kind of thing. I know very few American scuba divers go to the Red Sea, it's big with Europeans and Russians, so I wouldn't expect to see any black folks wearing tourist gear from there.

Then there's the obvious thing. You're not likely to see blackfolks wearing RAHOWA gear or Church of the Creator stuff except as an explicit protest.

But as a purely American white culture vs black culture thing.. hmmm. I don't think I would find any blackfolks in cheesehead hats shirtless wearing body paint at Lambeau Field in December.

I don't see too many blackfolks doing that holier than thou Greenpeace stuff. I mean I think blackfolks in the upper middle class are fairly narrowly distributed at the moment and most of us who weren't born into it don't do a lot of yuppie oneupmanship. So while I could see blackfolks who are Chevy diehards getting the Calvin sticker pissing on a Ford logo, I don't think I'd see the equivalent in upscale stuff - like somebody black who wears Burberry but wouldn't be caught dead in Ann Klein or something like that. I can't even think of the context.

I've also seen a lot of black mods, two tones, skinheads (the ska kind), punks, metalheads, deadheads but I don't think I've ever seen a black goth. Unless you consider Blade goth. I have never ever seen a black accordian player. I'm sure there is one somewhere in the world of Zydeco, but I've never seen one.

[Anita]

very funny. I don't know about some of it, though, the parts referring to people other than us, white people. do they really like getting shaken up by us? do they really like us? if that is true, then why do we feel they are racists?

[baldilocks]

black people have a great deal of admiration for a well-shaped black male head.

Yes, sir. :-)

[princessdominique]

Amazing! I love it!

[whitemaninhammersmithpalias]

This white man is very jealous of the shape of the black male head, especially as I'm going bald. Question: What's with the fried chicken and watermelon stereotype. I love these two foods. In fact, I don't know anyone of any color who doesn't love these two foods. How'd this get to be such a negative, black stereotype?

[Cobb]

It's a Yank thing. I wouldn't expect it translates over in Hammersmith. There are a lot of cultural specifics. I heard, for example, that in the UK it's considered poofy to lean against the wall in an elevator, er excuse me, lift.

Ahh but here's one. When I went to the Midlands, I was told it was stereotypical for blacks to drink Lucozade. I had never heard of it before I went there. So when my associate showed me the vending machine, I picked it out because I wanted to try new things. He had a bit of a chuckle but it took him a week before he'd tell me what exactly was so funny about Lucozade.

[unclesmrgol]

I have problems with this. First of all, white guys love getting up into black guys grills, too. Haven't you ever watched Star Wars? The black guy in that movie actually had a grill. And Luke, the archetypal white guy, got up in it. (We won't go into the biological concepts ingendered in Star Wars such as "We all came out of Africa"). Of course, think about the scene where the helmet comes off, and you have a whole different take.

And us white guys can outsell you in the swap meet any day. I sold underwear at flea markets. And not just my used up stuff either. Thousands of dollars worth every week. Paid for my spinny rims.

Bass. You're right. But us white guys really love the treble, and treble trumps bass. I know. I once pulled up next to a thumper and pumped up the volume on my Bagpipes from Hell cd. Guess who rolled up the windows first.

Basketball. I don't play anymore since I got my foot caught in the hoop while dunking. The ref had to cut me down so the paramedics could treat me. That was the second foot that happened to, and since I only have two, I had to stop. 'Nuf said.

Telling White People Off. I can do that. What's so special?

Cell phones. Nope. You can tell the black guy in the night from his bright blue Borg headpiece.

Hair preparations. Nope again. It's the cologne.

Poetry. You call that stuff poetry? Ever heard of dactylic hexameter? Now THAT's poetry. Arma virumque cano...

Pork. Us white guys got you beat. Look here. Of course, it's unclear whether that hog was ever eaten, but we can assume so, right?

Black people. Well, I'll give you the white people love. But not too much love -- seen that first scene in Office Space? The guy rolls up the window on his own radio. Gotta love that.

[Sweet Jones]

Cobb,

Interesting list. I humbly suggest the addition of the following:

1) Michael Jackson - In spite of all the drama surrounding him and freak show aspects, he is still THE premier Black artist of the past 30 years. I have never met a Black child under the age of 5 know can't identify who Michael Jackson from TV.

Imitating Michael Jackson has launched careers in comedy (Chris Tucker, Eddie Griffin, music (Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Timberlake, etc.) and acting (Alphonso Ribiero). Plus, back in the day, a Beat It jacket could have got you girls.

2) Family Reunions - Nothing more fulfilling for the Black soul than maintaining the connections with the family (immediate and distant). Hell, I'm wearing my t-shirt from 6 years ago as we speak.

3) Buffets (preferably with crab legs) - Whether on a gambling boat or restaurant, if there's a buffet there, there with be Black folk there, regardless if they're serving breakfast, lunch, or dinner. For most of us who grew up on two choice meals (a meat and either a vegetable or bread), there is an appeal to the multitude of selection a buffet offers. I think this also helps explains our love cook outs, the multiple choices of food.

[tanyetta]

and the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Samantha Pierce]

Brilliant! One nit pick, it's the Queen's English not the King's. Charles isn't on the throne yet.

[kurt p.]

how about a "stuff people like" blog .. because i hate the stuff on the white people list and i love alot of this stuff..guess im an anomoly or something..
and i agree with the black sexuality comment someone made..im white with a black wife..and the sex is gooooood ..i finally met my match.. :)

[bob]

blacks don,t know russians thay just know anglos. get in a russians face and you will end up with your guts hanging out. russians arnt a bunch of pasty spoild english brats. 60,000,000 russians were killed between world war I and Stalin. we love to party, dance, fight (we kiked hitlers ass) no russians were slave owners no russians will be slaves. Blacks dont like to be stereotyped, so dont stereotype whites and lump them all togeather. ps forgive my english its the worst of the five langues i speek.

[john]

That Russian dude is right. There diffrent, tuff basterds. p.s. I do love a good barbershop.

[Cobb]

russians are sneaky conniving bastards. they are about as loyal as cats. the only thing that russians don't cheat on is chess. russians will never be slaves except to the romance of russia, and for mother russia they will die like ants. which is too bad, because there is always someone who will demand they do just that.

but seriously, of all the people in the world i have known, american blacks and russians are the most alike. we are warm to our friends, cold to our enemies, distrustful of everyone and easily corrupted. the biggest difference between us. blacks know how to be happy without being drunk. and russians know how to keep a secret.

i think that if russians knew how to be honest businessmen, they'd rule the world. then again, if the chinese knew how to respect individual personalities, they'd rule the world. then again if the japanese weren't such self-hating perverts, they'd rule the world. then again if the french didn't argue about every freaking thing, they'd rule the world.

as it stands, we americans rule the world. stick around and i'll tell you why.

[julian]

I can't get enough of hot sauce. I put hot sauce on everything...even ice cream and pussy!

[Willy]

très amusante cette liste cobb.
En Guadeloupe on aime moins de choses.
Ce qu'on aime :

1 - zouk
2 - voiture 4x4
3 - les maisons ayant plusieurs étages

[perri]

Word to #25! Do or Die, Bed-Stuy! (Baby, Baaaay-bay!) Okay, originally born and raised there, but I live in another Brooklyn neighborhood now. Back in the day, I used to see this t-shirt that read "Um frum Brooklyn." That's exactly how folks from Brooklyn say it.

[Mabutoo]

Brotha Cobb,

I think you hit money on this but was surprised that Chinese food didn't make the top 25. Also I loved Dap, but have to mention that the kind of Dap given determines what kind of conversation we have. Like dap at a funeral compared to when you meet your boyz on the street and got jokes for them. Just my 2 cents.

Peace.

[unclesmrgol]

bob,

You guys were Hitler's friends before you were his enemy.

Before you go mouthing off about Russians and their non-involvement in slavery, read about kholops. Or look here for information on rab/raba.

I don't want you to feel too culturally superior...

That said, I'm not keen on any generalization about ethnic mores. It's too close to Democratic politics.

[New Black Woman]

That was great. I found myself laughing at every entry!

[perri]

Re: #36 "there are few that have been responsible for more black babies being born than Al Green."

And 3/4ths of those births occured AFTER that woman poured hot grits on him! :P

Seriously though, "I'm Still in Love With You" never leaves my mp3 player.

[t]

the list of stuff white people like doesnt have any explanations why do you feel the need to explain each entry ...in case you offend someone?

[Cobb]

It's not funny if I don't, and Stuff White People Like actually has longer explanations than I have, t.

[Jeff Carmack]

>>I have never ever seen a black accordian player. I'm sure there is one somewhere in the world of Zydeco, but I've never seen one.

Here's one http://genodelafose.net/

Your Friendly Neighborhood White Dude

[vanderleun]

Just just just fookin' brilliant.

I would have written it myself but it would have taken too much research.

[vanderleun]

Hats. Gotta do hats.

The Hat Ladies too.

[Bizzle]

Hopefully, you've seen this website. I think you should expand this post...

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

I'd even be MORE than thrilled to submit a few guest posts.

[Ayesha]

This is so well written and the kind of genius humor that I really appreciate. Someone has a "Stuff that Educated Black People Like" blog that is a great idea but not nearly as well written as this. I was reading it wishing you were the author. I'll share this masterpiece with everyone (black).

"Black People" and "Church" were brilliant!!!
-esh
http://flyfunkydiva.blogspot.com

[SerenityTexas]

I had to read this blog since I was having such a good time on "what white people like".
"We immediately find some other black people to like and we go and like each other....." That's priceless.
I do know some black people who won't eat pork and also some who won't touch chicken. When I was a kid, an old black man told me that "chickens is nasty" and he is actually right. They walk around in their own poo & eat bugs or whatever. It didn't stop me from eating them though.

[Paul]

You forgot Marijuana, Guns, Visiting Day (prison), and Church's Chicken.

[John Doe]

6b4fa3d564e27383318be9b6b3a10d0e

[Beezel Bub]

I like this, it's a good start. I don't like the fact that you have to mention "White People" to explain what "Stuff" Black people like. Why just white people? Why not Asians, or Hispanic or Arab etc. ? This isn't a Chris Rock, "White people do this, and black people do this," skit.

More though, keep it up!

[chuck]

OJ?

[Terrence]

This is funny, well written and accurate for me...But we only like our mama, we don't like your mama. , lol...no color liner for cell phones, haha. Simply Dap. Pork/No pork...

[Terrence]

A few more...

Old school/Back in the Day

Facial Hair (yes I know why)

Brand Names (no matter how ugly)

Hatin'/Talking about Haters

Naps..esp. after 'your mama's' cooking

Cable...we'll get the gas cut off before the cable

Black Radio...even though it's terrible, we can't help but listen
R&B...Hip Hop might sell mainly to white kids, but we (13-40 y/o Women specifically) love us some R&B

Their Jam/Song...If you want to see an impromptu dance lesson, let somebodys 'song' come on in the car/club/office or wherever.

Rent-to Own

Cash...we love it. You get more cred pulling out a wad that could amount to a grand or so thatn haveing 500k in the bank.

Fish...no not no talapia though we'll eat that too...I'm talking about cat, rock, bass, sea Bass. Fleshy and meaty fishes. We'll eat salmon, but that almost a different food group to us than the schad, spot crocker and perch that we love (and let's be honest we're not baking it).

Hair...real fake, good bad we always have something to say about hair.

Dollar Stores. See swap meets.

(Exotic) Foriegn Cars. a new chevy has nothing on a ten or eleven or twelve year old Infiniti.

[Ayesha]

An accurate, well-written, and witty list! My favorite. You're missing one major item though...

Line dances! Black folks LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to line dance.
No family reunion/black wedding/get together with dj is complete without the Electric Slide. Come on now! Even if the dj doesn't have the Marcia Griffith version, we'll pick another groove and start up the electric slide to it. And now a days, it's customary for the dj to play 20 minutes worth of line dances... the electric slide, the cha cha slide, the booty call, and the cupid shuffle... one after the other. And black folks will work the mess out of a line dance too!

esh

http://flyfunkydiva.blogspot.com

[Cobb]

Yeah I could have said more on #17. Hmm.

[t]

BP don't like Bill Clinton. We used to.

[Anali]

Interesting list, but I don't agree with a a few things, especially that we like Bill Clinton. We used to.

[Buddy Wolfe]

# 10 --- You mean, getting all up in our face and trying to act crazy, hoping we'll get scared, then backing down and shutting up when don't? Yeah, black people like to do that. Unfortunately.

I wouldn't be too proud of that.