Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the press. Thank you for coming out today.
My name is Ward Smith and I am the Communications Director for the Office of Public Affairs, Community Relations, Consumer Advocacy and Viral Marketing at Giant Corp. It is my duty to process all official communications to the mainstream media, grass roots organizations, networked social media and significant influencers in the entertainment industry. It is in this official capacity that I have been directed by the Board of Governors for Giant Corp to stand before you today and deliver a public apology persuant to the events of July 17th 2009.
It is the policy of Giant Corp to be responsive in every way to unfortunate events that present a significant risk to GC's ability to maintain its good relations with our shareholders, partners, customers, employees, former employees, and the general public here and abroad. We therefore establish and maintain protocols in keeping with longstanding traditions, international law and certain well-known tribal customs of non-hostile indigenous peoples that have proven themselves effective over the years. In keeping with this protocol it has been determined by the Board of Governors that the events of July 17th 2009 heretofore known as 'The Incident' does indeed warrant a Public Apology.
As part of this protocol I must first inform you that the parties offended by The Incident have demanded this Public Apology on behalf of Giant Corp which will of course be broadcast, simulcast, podcast, emailed, twittered, translated into several languages and archived in perpetuity. The Public Apology is, according to this protocol offered in lieu of a Private Apology. The parties offended by The Incident are therefore granted according to this protocol the official status as Victims of Giant Corp. Only parties who have demanded and received status as Victims of Giant Corp are thus eligible to be referred to as such and are therefore exclusively eligible to certain privileges and immunities with regard to our communications policy. These privileges are not extended to those accepting a Private Apology.
I am also required to inform you as part of this agreement that the official Victims of Giant Corp have signed agreements with Giant Corp which entail certain rights and obligations that are not fully public. However we are allowed to say that they involve first rights of refusal for inclusion in any Giant Corp public service announcements which we fund or are funded with our knowledge with regard to consumer education about Giant Corp products or services. These obligations are in no way excluding Victims of Giant Corp from enjoining in any legal proceedings against Giant Corp regarding The Incident or any subsequent offenses, but it does exclude them from participating in any established legal actions prior to the date of The Incident, in this case July 17th 2009.
Giant Corp is pleased to announce that the following individuals, Mark Anthony Brown, Jagdish R. Shah, LaTondra Wilkinson, Trish Samuels, Mabel Thomas, Carla Lopez, Wayne Chin, L. Stuart English, Mario Piplonetti, Tran Te Nguyen, and Lamont Fish have accepted Victim status with Giant Corp over The Incident. You will find their information in the press kits to be distributed after this conference. We will be providing them with much needed financial support, psychological counseling, massage therapy and luxury accomodations during the length of the press cycle as their lives have been obviously upended. The three individuals who have accepted the Private Apology will remain anonymous and no such information or assistance will be provided.
As you can see, as I have introduced the Victims, they can be viewed on the screen to your right. They are currently at the retreat and have already received a version of the Public Apology and have accepted that apology contingent upon the follow through of this release. Feel free to contact them through my office at any time after 10pm EST this evening.
Therefore, without further ado, I will present the official Giant Corp Public Apology to The Victims of Giant Corp pursuant to The Incident of July 17th 2009, with the following reminder. It will be the last thing said at this press conference. If you want any further details about The Incident itself, you will find them at GiantCorp.com/TalkToOurLawyersBitch
We at Giant Corp recognize that while you were just minding your own business that we totally screwed up your life. Our thoughtlessness has made your life a living hell, and it's not your fault. It's our fault. You were right and we were wrong. You are completely innocent, and you are victims. Yes victims. We should have known better and should have dealt with you like a human being and not a number or a statistic. We admit that we didn't take your feelings into consideration and we acted like a jerk. In fact, Giant Corp totally sucks for doing this to you and we admit it. We were too proud to admit our mistake but now we want to say in front of the whole world in every way, we were wrong and you were right. And we're never going to take it back. We're not kidding. Our fingers are not crossed and we are completely and totally as sincere as it is possible for an evil corporation to be. We have come to our senses and so we are going to totally make it up to you, starting here, starting now. And so help us, we really mean it.