Several years ago I figured that I might be in the place I am now approaching. And there was this name: Lucifer Jones. He was someone I had to be at some point.
It was 2007 and I couldn't believe it. Like when I turned 23 it was a number that had no meaning and yet there it was, and there I was. Not old. Not a kid. Not a man with a man's job or a purpose in life. Just ambition and energy and frustration and there was this strange plateau of 23 and I knew not what exactly to be.
There was a me out there somewhere and then I became him ten years later. And then I worked his ass and made him do it. And then I fell off and switched gears and recovered and gained an appreciation for the state of shabby equilibrium. I became middle aged.
All the while I was growing a spirit of sorts but I found it running off the rails of my expectations of the instituted. Now I know that institutions are even more queasy than they ever appear. Men are fortunate to bide their time in tall buildings made of stone; it makes them appear as solid as the walls they lean upon. And they appear to be bouyed up by institutions, self-same in those edifices. But they are merely ants who have managed to chomp out their neighbors or dazzle them. A lot of things can be called work. The only real work is thought and discipline, for only those two generate wisdom. Wisdom cannot be inherited, only the protection of the wise and strong can be. They'll tell you it's not the building.
And so it is not the Church. And it is not the Market. And it is not the State. And it is not the Community. It is only the man. And something tells me I am echoing Nietzsche. I don't know yet. But I will.
I have been afraid to be Lucifer Jones. When I went that day unbidden, trudging through the snow to place myself before monsignor's forgiveness, I felt in every way compelled. But it took 2 minutes of humiliation for me to realize that I was in awe of the building, and the little man in his wooden box was lightyears away from Father Brown. And I kept asking and looking and listening and hearing nothing but my own answers to questions the men and women I asked had not yet asked themselves. And now I realize there may be more than I ever expected who have not. So I cannot afford to be afraid to be Lucifer Jones.
I'm fighting with atheists because they are arrogant. They pretend to know life without knowing God and consider their ignorance of theology to be a strength. What is theology but philosophy for the humble? What is God but Good? So I have to question you all. Not because I need answers, not because I need proof, but because I'm still interested in hearing, and I wonder if anyone at all has something worth listening to. I already know my own answers. So I must be Lucifer Jones so you can tell me yours.
There is no question in my mind that I am a vessel of spirit. But who can define that better that me?