Was it Chris Rock who gave us a guide for newly married men to respond to their wives' endless tirades about their day? "Uh huh. No kidding? I don't believe it. I told you that bitch was crazy." These are the proper grunts, stretched into phrases of support and understanding. But the last one is key, because there's always a crazy bitch. It's as true as 'follow the money', cherchez la femme.
But some machos don't have time to reflect on the need some women have to have their daily behavior analyzed, commented upon and put into proper persepctive. And into that gap deftly leaps the gamma male. You know who I'm talking about. First seat at the fern bar, just waiting to share stories about how all men are dogs, especially his man. And what woman can resist a male sob sister, given that Chris Rock must surely be another typical sexist brute?
It occurs to me that in Hollywood, there are never stories of infidelity between homosexual men, and in this I find a great deal of intrigue. Everybody in the English speaking world will know by the end of this week that Kevin Clash, millionaire friend of Oprah and superstar voice of Elmo will have resigned from Sesame Street because of allegations of sexual impropriety. What kind of sexual impropriety? Apparently he liked teenaged boys. Well, teenaged boys under the magic number of 18. 18 year olds and 19 year old boys are just peachy if perhaps slightly unfashionable, but what do I know? I know that the Liberaces of the world never lose their fortunes and possibilities for employment through the putrid public scandals attached to infidelity.
That's because when it comes to such matters for gay promiscuity, as they say in the PC dictionary, 'not that there's anything wrong with that'.
I'm not being fair of course. I'm one of those individuals for whom the prospect of gay marriage seems downright oxymoronic. But we don't need to get into that. Surely single hetero men are legendarily promiscuous and nobody dings them for that. Surely they should be celebrated, and aren't they? If gay men were allowed to marry, surely their transgressions would be as serious and Hollywood would scandalize them equally. Do you believe that? I don't.
What I believe is this.
In the wild and wolfish world that is Hollywood, it is generally accepted that a certain quota of degenerate sexuality is natural. Hollywood, according to this theory, is just chock full of beautiful people that every human on the planet wants to bed. That is just human nature, and human nature abhors a vaccuum of libertine booty snatching. If everybody were as hot as Hollywood hot, then they'd be screwing like bunnies all the time. So of course uninhibited beautiful people are always on the boink, that is how it's supposed to be. Of course this makes for a dog eat dog world of youth and beauty - they go hand in hand. The ordinary people in flyover country, who are by Hollywood standards, unfuckable, have to settle for monogamy, and they dress it up with fake solemnity and call that tedious condition Marriage. But all people who are married are really hypocrites because they really don't love each other, they're just locking in a contract on the best they can do. Proof? Divorce rate. And we would have learned this sooner if we weren't a nation of regressive homophobic prudes.
The more we can prove that all of America's monogamous prudery is hypocritical, the more we can accept the real truth of human sexuality that is the truth of Hollywood's beautiful people. Movie stars, rock stars, TV stars. Everybody wants to be one. Right?
In the news business, which is owned by the entertainment business, we know that scandal sells. It monetizes the Hollywood theory of human sexuality, youth and beauty. And there is nothing so deliciously juicy as the gamma male nailing the married man. Because all men are dogs, and it takes one to know one, except the gamma male is different, because he is not a hypocrite.