I am beginning to accept some things about myself, namely that my efforts to become what I have wanted to be have been successful. I am a writer. I have written what I wanted to write. I am a systems architect. I have built what I could build. I have all the pieces and parts in my mind, and my mind remains capable.
I only struggle against sentimentality - to know the difference and maintain the proper perspective between that which was directly responsible for my growth and those principles which those actions served. It is this distinction I express in my reconciliation with those who now wrestle with middle age which I have begun to see the end of.
If I had postponed life any longer to read what I might have to become as wise as I consider myself today, I would have only had the shadow of the family life I have today. I would have been more ascetic and more debauched, and moreover would have looked at my own extended family with much less sympathy. But this combination of choices I have indeed taken have made me so much less cranky and obstinate than I would have been otherwise. And so I see a reconciliation coming - the kind of reconciliation that is the practical experience of a true father.
Most of all, and just recently, I realize that I do possess some power of mind that is extraordinary, and it is not a mere combination of quirks that distance me from the people of the world. I do not discount those quirks that exist, but I now see the extent to which my mind's discipline is real - my mental ability and desire forming a reinforcing loop driven by curiosity to form complete understanding - and the patience to take that in steps and pieces.
What I have missed is only the society and direction of the university path, a significant enough disabler. Were it not for the web, I would have been forced to pay such dues as academics require.
Towards reconciliation I recognize that my combination of gifts and efforts have made me both thinker and overthinker. My own satisfaction requires much and in seeking the difference between the good, the great and the world historical I have finally validated the broad perspective I have sought. In realizing so many others would not be so dedicated, I have found both my value and my limits. And it is true that the love of my wife has allowed me this luxury - of composing at my keyboards rather than washing dishes or taking out the trash. For my refinements there is that debt - ever reconciled.
So I truly believe that I am philosophic, that my disinterest allows for the sort of useless virtue of objectivity. I recognize the nexus of action and thought that defines interest for all the world. I also recognize how quickly the world changes dashing those nexii to worthlessness next to the principled value of disinterested objectivity. And so I offer my gifts in the spirit of the Way of the Servant.
In this way it is the end of Cobb as it has been for the past couple years. Doubtless it was my new work and my appreciation of Bloom and Dickens that proved to be the catalyst. Cobb the blog remains and is permanent, but requires a new look. The look, I think will signal my own unity of pen and sword, personal and professional, philosophical and philanthropic, expository and inquisitive.
I see all of you as men of good will. There is plenty enough room in this world, a world without end. Invert the divisions. Let us enter the world of multiplication..