We all know that complaining about income inequality is one of those lovely woolgathering topics we love to use to signal our moral superiority. As I was sipping some Laphroiag with my golfing buddies over at the clubhouse the subject came up in earnest. Since my parents were only civil servants who only owned one house, I was considered the closest one to poverty and was asked my honest opinion. I think I made everyone quite comfortable by switching the subject to Tom Brady. But afterwards as I beeped the alarm on my BMW, I had second thoughts about my own ability to understand the subject thoroughly. After all, here I was, an African American driving a car built in Germany, just culturally appropriating as all hell. What an identity crisis! Wouldn't it be better if I could just simply and deftly check my privilege and thereby exempt myself for the implications of this dire subject?
So I have decided to write a couple dozen rules that will make us all feel better. You know, let us take it on the chin from our actual moral superiors who really know something about being oppressed. That way we can affirm our commitment to non-violent social change, and remain secure in the knowledge that better people than us are working on the problem.
So here are 24 rules that excuse you from knowing or saying jack shit about income inequality.
- I have more than one bathroom in my house.
- I have owned more than five automobiles in my life.
- I have taken a vacation outside of my state.
- I have traveled overseas on business.
- I possess more than $500 worth of jewelry.
- I have a computer, a smartphone AND a tablet.
- My television is larger than 42 inches AND it's paid for.
- I subscribe to more than one premium cable channel AND I have broadband.
- I don't mow my own lawn.
- I have more than one refrigerator.
- I have owned a recreational vehicle that wasn't my prime source of transportation.
- I can't remember the last time any of my utilities were cut off.
- I have no college debt.
- I can loan somebody $100 without really worrying if I get it back.
- I have spent more than $1000 on sports equipment or gym membership.
- I pay attention to the color of my credit cards.
- I have a different wardrobe for every season.
- I can afford a $100 date.
- I'm saving up for something that costs more than $500 but it's not a necessity.
- It's not a problem for me to rent a car.
- I can deduct charitable contributions on my taxes.
- I eat at restaurants > 4 times a month.
- I don't have enough room in my closet for all of my clothes.
- I mostly talk about income inequality in social media.
If you say yes to any 8, you're excused from the conversation. If you have 16 or more, you may as well be named Chevy Chase. If you scored a perfect 24, like me, we should go bang a few balls and talk about markets and sports.