I'm watching science videos these days. Futurama too, but mostly science videos like this one. I have an appointment, sorta, with one of the smartest guys I know. This guy calls Mark Cuban an idiot. So now I'm boning up.
I like this guy Lovegrove. He reminds me, in spirit, of George Carlin and the cranky old man I hope to be - the kind of guy who has lived enough of his life freely to know whom exactly to tell to fuck off. When a smart guy knows how to make you laugh at his arrogance and two days later you say, hey that was really profound, that's when you're dealing with genius. That's what I get from Lovegrove, and Carlin. I'm sure there are others but I want to talk about a comic routine.
The comic routine is one I haven't heard but I suspect must be rattling in the back of somebody's brain. And here's what he's saying.
We have bombs and they have bombs. We bomb and they bomb, we all bomb. Conjugate the verb 'to bomb'. We shouldn't be surprised. Bombs are easy. It used to be that bombs were hard but now everybody's got a bomb. Didn't Prince tell us that in 1999? Not the year, the song. We knew that. We just aren't quite sure how big the bombs are that everybody has. But we Americans know how to piss people off. So now people are throwing bombs.
I like the French. I like the French because the French will tell you, we invented democracy so fuck you. And they'd be right, pretty much. Most Americans don't like the French because Americans don't like to be told to fuck off. What? Fuck me? Fuck You! And so we tell them to fuck off. And secretly we admire anybody who tells us to fuck off and we know they secretly admire us too.
But what I don't like are backbiters. I'm an American. I can take being flipped off but not flipped off and then bombed too. Hey, wait a minute. When that happens, what do we do. We do Al Pacino. Huh? You want a piece of me? Huh? Is that what you want? We walk backwards into our friends and put our hands behind us so they can hold us back. Hold me back! we say. But we don't really want to go there. We don't want to go ballistic. Why? We got too much to lose.
There's always some asshole trying to prove something. We're all competitive, we know the asshole. Who's the biggest asshole? We say the guy with a little knowledge - just enough to be dangerous. And we give them enough rope.. what? To hang themselves right. But we don't want to smack them down, well, yes we do want to, but we don't. Why not? We got too much to lose. We don't want to go down to their level. It's like the old kung fu movie or the old western movie. The kung fu master doesn't take the bait when the young upstart starts talking smack. John Wayne doesn't shoot first. Clint Eastwood says, I don't want to fight you. Why? Because he knows he's the deadlies fucker around. He says hold me back! So he sends his friends and the kung fu master sends the junior fighters.
This is civilization, people. We don't want to bomb Iran. We don't want to bomb North Korea. We know George Bush is just talking smack. There's no axis of evil. We don't really give them that much credit. We don't want to fight them. We're America. We got cars and houses and freeways and scientists and iPods. Do you know what an iPod means? I can put every song I know on this little thing I put in my pocket and I can turn it on and I can dance anywhere. I can dance anywhere. That's a beautiful thing.
Remember that De La Soul song? It's Delacratic. I can do anything. But what's our golden rule? Do unto others as.. right. As you would have them do unto you. I know everybody's got a bomb. I'm not afraid of bombs. I don't want them to take my iPod. I don't want them to tell me where I can dance. Do you know what these assholes are saying? Music is evil, but since I'm Osama I can kill Bobby Brown and make Whitney Houston my wife. Can you imagine if we had to live under these guys?
Yeah. I got a million dollar house. I don't want to lose it. I'm selfish. But you know what? I'm selfish for all of us. I'm selfish for the guy who invents the iPod and the guy who came up with light beer. He should have a million dollar house too. What about your shoes? Man, sneakers are so cool nowadays. I think Joe Adidias should have a mansion. And the guy who invented plasma screen TV? And the company that created Viagra. Not the spammers though, because I really don't need a 20 pack of 100mg capsules for $235 delivered in 2 days UPS for an additional 9.95. Really I don't. But if I did, I'd be selfish for that guy too. And i'm selfish for my dentist, and my accountant and my lawyer and my agent and the architect of this building and the guy who invented this cordless microphone so I can tell you guys jokes. I love all of you guys. But if to treat me wrong, I'm going to say fuck you. You know I will. I'll say it. I'll mean it. And you'll say fuck you back. I know. You're French. No seriously, you're American but we can do that.
I say fuck you, you say fuck you and we're done. You're red, I'm blue. We go home and watch Tivo. You watch Fox News and I watch PBS. You drive a Chevy and I drive a Ford. I've got Calvin pissing on your Chevy logo. You see that? But I'm not going to wreck my Ford on your nasty Chevy. I've got too much to lose. Chill out. I mean, still, fuck you, but chill out.
Can you imagine coming home to your parents and we're living under Islamic law? This is my new boyfriend dad. His name is Moishe. Under Islamic law, if your daughter wears her clothes too tight, not only can you can send her to her room, you can send her to her doom. It's called honor killing.
Anyway.. that was the rant. Kinda not my strong suit, comedy bits...
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