The Lapse

I wrote to Ron Howell Thursday:

I often fancy myself a lapsed Catholic. There are few things that seem so intellectually appealing than the stories of naifs who throw their faith out with the bathwater of youth. Coming of age, I imagine especially at an Ivy League school seems so dramatic and complete. And yet it is also consistent that the apostates and prodigals must all inevitably stand in awe of the majesty of the True Church, ever afraid to handle a wrenching pennance that must await them upon their ever delayed but often considered return.

I say that I like that romance because I had all the trappings and few of the privileges of Catholicism, I attended Columban and Jesuit schools but missed my Catechism. I was a spy in the house of God and eventually confirmed Episcopalian. But I have been looking at the liberation of my Church with the same skepticism of African Anglicans and wonder if it was a good idea. And here with the monumental intellect of B16, hooo boy, sometimes I wonder if I'm right at all.

There's something easy about Protestantism and I must confess that I've had my fill of Jesus freaks, megachurches and jacklegs of all sorts. The Baptist Church around the corner from me changed their name to reflect a beachy lifestyle, and they get their liturgy from a company in Indiana that comes complete with Karaoke and Powerpoint presentations. It's all a little flaky to me. Why? Because I've seen the discipline of the rite. I've prayed the Stations of the Cross, I've known the calendar of Epiphany and wondered where the bells went in the Episcopal church after the Mystery of Faith. I understand, recognize and respect the discipline of the Catholic Church. It was LOGICAL. And that logic was not a post-hoc rationalization of this or that oddment, it was real theology practiced by very intelligent men, who by the way taught me computer programming, biology and physics too. You don't often think of that in any other religion do you?

I don't know if or how I will get back to Catholicism, but I have a feeling it may be inevitable. The more time I spend with other sorts of Christians, the less I believe they really understand the nature of Christ. That's the most frightening idea I have to occasionally contemplate. Why? Because I know that there is a Catholic priest somewhere with a very intelligent and logical answer that could also be one that satisfies my soul. And that is the fear I think every lapsed Catholic must face; I hear it in your voice brother, because I know it in my own.