HB2Me

Twenty years ago today I was feeling a bit shocked at how old I was, so I wordlessly got out of bed, dressed, grabbed a banana and a Super Socco and cycled for 27 miles. One for every year. I used to say back then before I was respectably married that I was having my midlife crisis ahead of schedule. It didn't heal the hearts I broke, but in a way it was true. I've always wanted to be an old man, and now my dream is coming true.

Since I am in the process of writing my autobiography (and Player the other day asked me 'for who', dead flat. Damn! - I said it had to be at least as cool as Nathan McCall's but now I'm not so sure) I might as well use this space to remember some birthdays past. 27 I already covered.

23
What I basically remember about being 23 was that it was the first age I reached for which there was no significance in the number. It was the year I pledged Alpha Phi Alpha, but at the time of my birthday I was much more of a high top fade kind of brother. It was the summer of the 1984 Olympics, the year of my most humiliating moment at the hands of the police. I drove a 1968 Karmann Ghia which was on its last legs, of course. I got on television that year when marathoners ran through my neighborhood. My brother and I had the largest American flag in the crowd. Like everyone, I watched Carl Lewis and wore my hair like him. It was the year of Purple Rain, the movie. A very good year. My girls were Tracy, Wanda and two others whose names I really should remember. Oh yeah. Antoinette and the girl from Pittsburgh. Wow. Oh yeah, and the girl from the Macy's in Santa Monica.

27
After I got back from my bike ride, my girl (who won the sweepstakes and became the Spousal Unit) pampered me in classic style. We had known each other about four months, and she actually did the French maid outfit. I had never been so spoiled in my life and I can still remember those sweet moments. And the fruit basket.  It was the summer with Cyndi, when me and my buppie buddies ran the City. We were at every party that mattered, mostly because we through them.  Housequake. Candy. Diamonds.

30
The beginning of a new austerity and consciousness. I began getting sentimental about my family and over-intellectual about everything else. I read all the critical theorists and jumping from the cliffs of the young urban professionals into the depths of radical feminism, afrocentrism, organic intellectualism and three or four more isms just to make the transformation complete. Plus I shaved off my moustache. I never did go all the way to idolizing Che or growing dreads. I still drove my BMW and played volleyball. But my mind belonged to Derrick Bell, Cornel West, bell hooks, Kim Crenshaw and Audre Lorde. I did have a decent birthday party at which Deet threw me into the pool. My girl was Lisa, who is now a famous playwright in black intellectual circles.

33
I was living with the Unit, my new fiance. We were at 125th and Broadway on the boarder of Harlem subletting a studio from one of the dancers from Urban Bush Women. It was hot and sticky and the air conditioner couldn't handle it. It only cooled the hot exhaust from the output of the other air conditioner on the facing wall just outside the window in which it hung precariously. She made me dinner on the hotplate and we listened to my favorite music, which was everything produced by French impresario Jimmy Jay. It was the last year that I lived with hair on my head.

40
I was laid off from my job on my 40th birthday, and it's a good thing that I already had my midlife crisis. I had actually considered all the things I might have done to move to the Silicon Valley. Like thousands of other stunned individuals, we shopped for houses in Half Moon Bay, calculating commutes vs mortgage payments. In the end nothing came of that mixed desire to relocate. It was the first of many happy accidents whose benefit we could only see in hindsight. I started my entrepreneurship once again. The wife had promised me a big fancy party, but the plan fell through, as did a lot of things in 2001.

Today I'm 47 years old. Just three years from 50 and proud of my gray hair, but I still dye it out occasionally. I'm wearing the full beard which I haven't done for a while. I spent a couple thousand at the dentist this year and I'm more than halfway through all that needs to be done which isn't a whole lot. I can still do just about anything for 15 minutes, way down from four hours, but just as exhausting. I'm watching my weight. Yeah that just about describes it, I'm watching my weight. Not controlling it or reducing it or anything like that, just watching it.

I'm right in the middle of fatherhood and getting pretty good and remaining fairly challenged by it. I feel powerful in my relationships with other people knowing that I have some respectable accomplishments and a cordial confidence in my career. I'm prepared for wealth, but not quite for poverty, although I'm managing to get better at the hedging, having suffered several heartbreaking setbacks over the past decade. My marriage is in good shape - I hesitate to say great because I know better than to insist on anything which involves the input of the Unit. My kids are still the greatest people I know, but I'm starting to see the cracks...

I think the one thing that changes now besides my growing distaste for political debate is my willingness to let it be all about me. It's not all about me, but it could be. I've got my new four year plan just about in place and I start my new job on Monday. I'm the senior manager with teenaged kids, the love for fast cars, the witty riposte and the eagerness to be with people. People with ideas and drive fascinate me more than just about anything.

Today, I'm going to take care of a little business and then do nothing. I'm on vacation just spinning through what a couple movies and things look like on my new big screen. I'm preparing to bore myself a little bit in anticipation of winding up the ambition next week. I've got a lot of energy to put into new ideas framing my work, and it's probably the best time ever to be in my career. Heh. More on that later...