Today is one of those days. At the end of one of those weeks. You know. When you ask yourself why oh why did I take the red pill.
I thought about Evie today. I used to hang out with Evie when she was on the verge of becoming a crackhead. She already did coke and she was my date for my drunkest night ever. I was about 26 and just left college and in the several months before I simplified and gained my focus, I was back home with Moms. We went out to the Centinela Drive In, but had a bottle of wine first. Then we drank some Bacardi and coke at the show. Then we drove to a party in Gardena and sucked up the punchbowl which I had spiked with some Smirnoff 100. In between 1986 and 1988 I always had a pocket of booze and a pocket of tobacco with me for the moment I got off work.
I thought about Evie because we lost her to crack, and the next time I asked around I heard that she had been in rehab and it was so bad that the cocaine was coming out of her pores. 'We' meaning society. She may or may not be alive today but she fell off the grid. Can't even find her on Facebook. I was talking to the Spousal Unit yesterday and asked her, she said no, if she had ever been tempted by crack.
When you take the red pill, you decide that life is not just a game. It happened to me in my childhood. I always wanted to be a grandfather because I felt that grandparents had earned the right to be arbitrary. Always and everywhere it seemed to me in my young life that people were being arbitrary before it was time. They didn't know the correct answers to life's questions and yet they expected me to respect their decisions. That's how I look at it. You have to earn it. That's why I like nuclear blackmail, but that's a different story. Life is just a game for those who cannot ascertain the dimensions of the sandbox in which they play. If you can't understand it all, you may as well be arbitrary. You may as well play life as if it has no rules, or as if the rules are always stacked against you. You may as well be drunk or licentious or violent or vacuous, because what does it matter?
So basically I've been thinking about the times when I had the chance to dance down the slippery slope and resisted. Bully for me.
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