Dostoevsky writes:
And an undoubtedly genuine grief can sometimes turn even a phenomenally light-minded man into somebody solid and resolute – at least for a while. More than that: real, genuine grief can sometimes make even fools seem more intelligent – also, of course, for a while. Grief can do this to people.
Dostoevsky, Fyodor. Devils: New Translation (Alma Classics) (p. 193). Alma Classics. Kindle Edition.
If you live a life that is mostly successful, you often wonder how it is that people let up their discipline and get sidetracked into dissolution. You exercise discipline over your life and you wonder how it is that people say ‘whatever’. I was like that.
Then life threw me a series of curveballs. And I had to deal with them because they were my responsibility. I did. I John Wayned right through them. Then I became exhausted. I started to realize that the focus I could apply when I was on top of everything, I simply couldn’t muster after having dealt with tragedy.
For me it got to the point at which I was on call for events that could go sideways without notice - and nobody else could handle them. It got to the point where I purposefully refused to focus because breaking that focus would piss me off and these were situations in which being pissed off made things worse. So I had to live in a constant state of vigilance in preparation for fast, random work. Literally day to day.
At some point I joined a group of people coping with similar situations. What was weird about it was that some of these folks had long given up attempting to John Wayne anything. They knew all the kinds of things that could go wrong, but they didn’t say ‘whatever’. Some of them had the 1000 yard stare.
Then it kind of clicked for me.
If you’ve ever watched bag handlers, boxers, racquetball players or roofers. You’ll notice that the old pros have an economy of motion. They don’t move quickly and they don’t huff and puff, but they can do it all day. I realized that’s what happens when you have heavy lifting to do. You get used to the deliberate pace, you get to the right spot at the right time and you execute.
What you never do is say “If my daughter lost her legs in a car accident, I’d handle it without raising an eyebrow.” But if it happens to you, you eventually get to that point. You suffer through the pain, the burden, the work, the frustration and you get through it. You don’t get over it. You get through it.
That’s what happens when life breaks you and forces you to change. After a time you do get to the point at which you are committed to reacting well and adapting well instead of planning well. Then you recognize it in others, the people who have been through the pain and don't pretend they can John Wayne through it all and go back to business as usual.
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